Tragedy

I went in for an ultrasound scan on Friday to find that Izabelle's heart had stopped beating. I had suspected as much. I had a minor complication with amniotic separation 4 weeks before and was very scared that this would affect the baby. I stopped rock climbing and modified my activities so I wasn't doing as much lifting and carrying. After we came back from Florida and I had started back to work, I had noticed that Izzy wasn't moving very much. I worried about it and rationalized it. So when the technician told me that they couldn't see a heartbeat, I was devastated but not very surprised.

Jeff was at the house we hope to buy, meeting with the inspectors, when I called from the doctor's office. He left immediately to meet me at home. We cried together and waited for my OB to call. Because I was so far along with the pregnancy, I had to deliver her. We checked into the hospital at about noon and, after taking some blood and starting an IV, they gave me some cytotec to start ripening my cervix for labor. If the contractions didn't start on their own, they would have broken the amniotic sac and given me some pitocin.

When these terrible things happen, there are always the bright spots that allow you to see all that is good and joyful in life. I had e-mailed my playgroup moms and told them what was happening. I asked that if they were available that they come to the hospital and hold my hand. I also called Leeann, my college roommate and dear friend. They all came to help. And they gave me exactly what I needed; people to cry with and people to laugh with and most of all, some distraction. They brought flowers and chocolate and magazines and movies. They arranged a schedule to take care of Miles while Jeff and I were in the hospital and a schedule of people to bring food so we wouldn't have to plan dinners. I am so grateful for these wonderful women who came to my aid and helped us through.

It took well into the evening before I was getting any significant contractions. I was exhausted and knew that I was not going to be able to sleep so they gave me a shot of morphine and some other drug and this helped stave off the pain and let me sleep for a few hours. Somewhere around 2 am, the contractions started for real. The night nurse gave me another kind of drug through my IV and, while that made me loopy, it didn't dull the pain. I asked for the epidural but by the time the anesthesiologist got there, I was ready to birth her. Izabelle Rhea Blanco was born at 2:37 am on Jan. 10, 2009.

We held her and cried and talked to her and cried. The hospital encouraged us to take photos to put in a memory box that they provide under such circumstances. They also put in a hat and blanket they photographed her in and a little stuffed heart along with a journal for us to put down thoughts and feelings. We put in the only outfit that I bought for her and will put in some of her ashes when we get them.

We have scheduled a ceremony for her on Jan. 18. We will scatter her ashes at Fort Funston into the ocean.