San Francisco Zoo

I took Miles to the zoo a few days ago. I have mixed feelings about zoos and the SF zoo did nothing to change that. We started off at the children's zoo which was definitely the place to start. The first exhibit had bunnies and guinea pigs running about a big yard. One long hair guinea pig looked like someones toupee had escaped from his head. Miles didn't quite understand that there were things to look at. He just stared at me with a look that said, "Tell me again why we're here?"
But when we got to the prairie dogs and the meerkats, he was interested in the scurrying creatures and then got the idea that this was a place to look at things. He was pretty captivated by the meerkats. Then we got to the petting area. There were goats and sheep just wandering around so we pet some. At first, he was kind of freaked out by the goats but when he saw that I was touching them, he reached out to feel the fur. We also had a lot of fun looking at the ducks and pigs. I'm not sure if he recognized the signs for them as we do them quite a lot at home, but I'm pretty sure he recognized my imitation of their sounds!
He had his second ride on a carousel and this time sat on top of a horse. He enjoyed the ride and watched the painted pictures moving by.
Then we moved on to the bigger animals. While some of the animals like the kangaroos and the giraffes had open spaces to move about, some animals like the tiger, the lions and all of the bears we saw, had much smaller enclosures. While most seemed not to mind too much, the polar bear was pacing back and forth in a truly pathetic way.
While I'm glad Miles had the opportunity to see the different animals, I'm not sure that I feel the need to return anytime too soon.

The Dog Phase

Miles is in his dog phase. During pregnancy he went through many different phases- one where he looked like a chicken, one where he looked like a fish, like a lizard, etc. Once he was born, there was the loaf of bread phase, the plucked chicken phase, and the reptilian brain phase. But now he is in the dog phase. What, exactly, does the dog phase entail, you ask?

Well, he is unusually friendly, ridiculously attached to his owners/parents, makes this "mmm, mmm, mmm" whine like a dog and he loves shoes. Especially chewing on them. He has a special attachment to his father's duck shoes but he also likes my slippers, my black slip-ons and, well, just about any shoes he can get his hands on, including his own. He will fold himself double to chew on his own shoes. One day, I actually had to take his shoes and hide them because he was chewing the dye right out of them.

Personally, I'm waiting for the moment when he begins to chase his own tail.

Dancing in the living room

Miles has a great smile and a funny laugh but my favorite of his expressions is one of unbridled joy. He scrunches up his nose and opens his mouth wide in a huge smile. It's impossible not to feel happy when he gives you this smile. It usually lasts for just a moment or two but it leaves a warmth that follows you through your day.

Yesterday I put on some music to entertain me during the afternoon. I brought him into the living room and we began dancing to Michael Franti's "You Can Bomb the World to Pieces (But You Can't Bomb It Into Peace)." Maybe it was the fact that I was singing to him, maybe it was the upbeat rhythm or, as I like to believe, the political, peaceful message, but the entire time we danced, he had this look of complete unrestrained joy on his face. It was such a wonderful moment, one of shared pleasure.

Disneyland

We took Miles to Disneyland a week ago. Jeff had a trip with his high school choir so we took the baby along. Despite the long trip on the bus and the overstimulation and sleeping in a new place and not being on his usual schedule, he did great!

He had oodles of adoring teenagers (and a few adults as well) to coo at him and tell him how wonderful he is. Many bought him gifts and even more took lots of photos of him just being is cutie patootie self.

One thing I learned about Disneyland that I never would have discovered if I didn't go with a baby is that they have a special baby center right off of Main Street. They provide high chairs, very nice changing tables, itty bitty toilets for the potty training set as well as comfy chairs with some privacy for nursing. It was never very busy and gave us a great place to have a little down time.

We tried out a few rides with Miles. The first ride was the Finding Nemo Submarine (it used to be 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea but no one even knows that movie anymore.) He did great on the line and enjoyed the bubbles until things went dark and there were loud noises. Then he lost it. What do you do with a screaming baby in a confined space? We just passed him back and forth between each other and hoped for the best. He calmed down once the lights were back on and we smiled apologetically to everyone around us. Oof, what a disaster! But he enjoyed the carousel much more. I think we could have done a lot more if we had the patience for the lines. I think Miles would have been just fine on the railroad and boat rides. Jeff and I managed to get on a few adult rides thanks to our eager baby watcher, Vicki. Thanks, Vicki!

Miles wrestles an alligator

Early Start

One of the benefits (if you can call it that) of having a child with hearing issues is the free help you get from various resources. In San Mateo county, they have a program called Early Start that works with families of children who have all sorts of developmental issues. I get to work with a wonderful woman named Kerry who comes to our house every week and works with Miles and me on sign language, hearing acuity and other developmental skills. While Kerry has no concerns about Miles beyond his hearing and speech, she comes anyway. It's a great time to play and she seems to think Miles is as wonderful as I do. I also get to bounce some concerns off of her as she is both a mother and someone who has dealt with many families in the same boat as myself.

On her first visit, she talked about the emotions of having a special needs child. She mentioned that the divorce rate is high with couples whose children have special needs. The emotions, she said, mirror those of dealing with death- denial, anger, acceptance, etc.- and said that my husband and I might go through all of these emotions but may do them at different times. The one that stands out for me is denial. We had a lot of that and still do. Jeff and I questioned whether or not the tests were right. We kept agreeing that he seemed to hear everything and is quite sensitive to noise. How could he have a hearing problem?

I have only seen a few times when it is obvious that he is not hearing me, usually when I am far away from him. I am reminded constantly that the hearing aids are essential for proper speech development and we would see a difference if he didn't use them. But still, there is a part of me that wonders if the tests got it right.

The other emotion that looms large is guilt. We did both genetic screening and a CT scan to check for genetic or physical anomalies that could be blamed for Miles' hearing loss. Both tests were negative meaning they will never know why it happened. And that leaves open the window for huge self-blame. Did I not take my prenatal vitamins at some crucial point? Did I exercise too much, too hard, in too hot weather? Am I to blame for this? My friend Leeann points out that many children she has dealt with in her practice were born to women who did street drugs, who didn't eat well, who were homeless and under extreme stress and they gave birth to physically normal children. Sometimes, she says, shit just happens. There's no one to blame.

I am quick to remind myself that this is not a terrible thing. Kerry often tells me that if you have to have a hearing loss, the kind Miles has is one of the best- it's mild and easily remedied. If this is the worst thing to happen to him, he will have a blessed life. But still...

From the beginning

After 6 months of trying we finally got the BFP, five days after my father died. I was elated and sneaked back into the bedroom to tell Jeff. He was bleary but happy.

And then the worry set in. For months I was on edge, wondering if the baby was going to hold. Women far younger than me had miscarried.

But my belly kept growing and it seemed that everything was going to be just fine. I was eating well and continued to exercise, rock climbing up to three weeks before giving birth.

Finally, the time came. I went into labor around dinner time on 8/28/07. I knew it was happening for real by about 10 pm and hunkered down in the living room, knowing I wasn't going to get any sleep that night. I had back labor so I knew I was in for a rough ride. The hypnobirthing training helped me get through the night without too much difficulty but by 6:30 am or so, I wanted our doula there. Jeff massaged my back as we waited for Jeanna and, once she got there, she helped me with some positions to take the pressure off my back. My water broke in a big way at about 10:30 am and we were off to the hospital. I was already 5 cm. dilated and beginning to question my decision to go without pain medication. Jeanna got me into the shower where Jeff continued to massage my back and I moaned, "I can't do this, I can't do this!" By the time I was out, I could feel the baby start to crown. The nurse just barely restrained herself from rolling her eyes at me but checked and sure enough, I was 9 cm. and the baby's head was right there. They called the doctor and by the time she got there, I was 10 cm. and doing all I could not to push. Once the OB had her scrubs on, I got into my squat position, Jeff behind me with support. I pushed a total of five minutes and Miles was out, healthy and happy.

They did the first newborn hearing screening when he was just a day old. He didn't pass but the nurses told me not to worry as there might be amniotic fluid in his ears and they would test him again before we went home. Again, he didn't pass but I was told this was not unusual.

He seemed to be able to hear. Once he was home, he would jump at loud noises, open his eyes to sound and generally respond to the world around him. But when he didn't pass the ABR at one month, we were told he would need further diagnostic testing. At two months, we did a longer ABR and it showed that he had a mild to moderate hearing loss in the mid-ranges of sound. Thus began an endless series of appointments; to the ENT, to the audiologist, to the pediatrician, back to the audiologist, for earmolds, for hearing aids, for new earmolds because the first ones didn't fit, for his real hearing aids, for earmolds (again!).

And now I will get on my soapbox. One major bit of learning for us was that few health insurance companies cover hearing aids. This enrages me. They will pay for speech therapists and occupational therapists and all the things Miles would need if we did not correct the hearing loss immediately, but they would not cover the bit of prevention necessary to make sure his development happens as it should. This is not such a worry for us (the insurance Jeff has partially covers HAs and we would be able to spring for the cost if it didn't) but what do low income families do? How do they make sure their children get the support they need? What do senior citizens on fixed incomes do when they need hearing aids? This seems criminal to me, especially when we're talking about children who have yet to develop language.

Despite the hearing loss, Miles has been developing right on schedule. In all other ways, he is right where he should be. He is rolling over, pushing up on his arms, babbling, tracking with his eyes, and sitting up stably. He is a constant joy to Jeff and me. He is aware and happy and cute as can be.