Early Start

One of the benefits (if you can call it that) of having a child with hearing issues is the free help you get from various resources. In San Mateo county, they have a program called Early Start that works with families of children who have all sorts of developmental issues. I get to work with a wonderful woman named Kerry who comes to our house every week and works with Miles and me on sign language, hearing acuity and other developmental skills. While Kerry has no concerns about Miles beyond his hearing and speech, she comes anyway. It's a great time to play and she seems to think Miles is as wonderful as I do. I also get to bounce some concerns off of her as she is both a mother and someone who has dealt with many families in the same boat as myself.

On her first visit, she talked about the emotions of having a special needs child. She mentioned that the divorce rate is high with couples whose children have special needs. The emotions, she said, mirror those of dealing with death- denial, anger, acceptance, etc.- and said that my husband and I might go through all of these emotions but may do them at different times. The one that stands out for me is denial. We had a lot of that and still do. Jeff and I questioned whether or not the tests were right. We kept agreeing that he seemed to hear everything and is quite sensitive to noise. How could he have a hearing problem?

I have only seen a few times when it is obvious that he is not hearing me, usually when I am far away from him. I am reminded constantly that the hearing aids are essential for proper speech development and we would see a difference if he didn't use them. But still, there is a part of me that wonders if the tests got it right.

The other emotion that looms large is guilt. We did both genetic screening and a CT scan to check for genetic or physical anomalies that could be blamed for Miles' hearing loss. Both tests were negative meaning they will never know why it happened. And that leaves open the window for huge self-blame. Did I not take my prenatal vitamins at some crucial point? Did I exercise too much, too hard, in too hot weather? Am I to blame for this? My friend Leeann points out that many children she has dealt with in her practice were born to women who did street drugs, who didn't eat well, who were homeless and under extreme stress and they gave birth to physically normal children. Sometimes, she says, shit just happens. There's no one to blame.

I am quick to remind myself that this is not a terrible thing. Kerry often tells me that if you have to have a hearing loss, the kind Miles has is one of the best- it's mild and easily remedied. If this is the worst thing to happen to him, he will have a blessed life. But still...